A MoOnLiT HaVen...

I feel so utterly alone. These walls are engulfing me. sucking me into some abyss that I can never crawl out. Where is the Light? ugh these stupid tears. I HATE tears.


I havent been doing that well this month. It's been semi-okays. Hoping...Always hoping for that minute of happiness. Embracing it. Saving it in my memory.

I just finished cleaning my room. It was a mess. Maybe like me. Except I can't rearrange me. I'm proud of my room. Or so I was. But everything goes down hill. Everyone is in their own room...watching gosh knows who.

I dispise Tv. People's obsession with it. There's rarely anything good on anyhow. ugh im so jumpy. so snapish. I wish I could break all the tvs. Why arent we more united. Ugh television.

I'm so angry. So full of rage. I snapped right now with my parents. Its been happening more frequent. ugh i hate snapish people. Thats what i get for saving things inside. I explode. Ice cream tastes vile in my mouth. never been that great with ice cream. Poor anabelle had to deal with my mood.

I feel so alone. I feel like I have no one with me. My parents are in their own worlds right now. My friends are living their own lives. All I have is God and my angel. But, my petty pains are nothing like what others go through. God should not waste precious time consoling me...when there are others who need it more. And angel...you're here arent you. But, I need flesh and blood comfort. But, you are there with me.


I really hate being in this mood. Takes me back to 9th grade. Where anxiety, hurt, and pain incapacitated my body and soul. I just need time to think...to meditate. To talk to angel...to hope that my angel can calm me. I'm gonna light some candles.

I wish I was one with nature. But I'm not there yet.

Mother fire ease the rages. Mother air help me inhale the harmony. Mother light enlighten me body and soul. Mother water nourish me. Mother earth comfort my ailing heart.


God my heart is hurting. I feel like i'm recoiling back to who I use to be....someone so scared. so pained. so painfully shy. So mute. Words words. I must speak even if i speak to my brain. I dont want silence. I dont want to lose me.


Please God help me to find some happiness. I'll take but a second of it. I dont want to regret. To yearn for something i dont have. But to love what i do have. I know life is ups and downs. I dont want to be those who always find the ugly in life. Life is there God. Teach me to grab hold of it again.

please...I dont want darkness again.