so I feel much better. I just finished rereading my previous blog...and I seemed on the verge of no return. But i'm all good now.
I was able to finish the video finally. I took ling's advise and redid the text. Overall I'm proud. It's something I deeply care about...so I'm happy.
everything is good. I feel content. I feel my family more united than ever. I love that feeling.
I only wish I had that feeling with my friends. I feel like we're on opposite spectrums. Ling and Avni will be starting school this thurs...so no more hanging out. Monica is working at Ernst and Young so that takes most of her time. Vennie is busy with fuller internship. Norma is in Ecuador. Belen is all the way in desert springs traveling here and there. Annie well she's in another state.
I'll be leaving in three months...wow i cant believe it. And in a way i can. I'm gonna be away from my parents, my friends, my home. I'm anxious and excited at the same time. got to take it just one breath at a time.
well angel...you're always there...not letting me go off the cliff. and for that I thank you!
I'm breaking apart like glass that use to have a bit of light but is now just 100 little shards of insignificant glass.
I'm stressing so much. I have this scholarship. It's a full ride. I need it. My family needs it. It would mean a full ride to nw. It would mean my mom would not have to take double shifts nor see the worry in my dad's eyes. Gosh its important. too important.
....i feel like crying. Breaking slowly.
Everyone says don't worry about it. you'll do fine. It'll be ok. you'll get it. You'll do your best. But thats easy to say. But its not. The rejection this time will be intense.
This video is killing me. I feel like breaking my laptop. Of just saying i quit. But ive never been a quitter.
I don't know what else to do with this video. What do I add. I thought it was fine. My parents thought so.
But i asked other people, but they all had different takes to the video. All good...but different. I hear voices in my head. Do this. Do that.
ugh i wish i could dive. And never come back up. To swim til my lungs gave out. To feel that beautiful rush of completeness. Of no worries. No one to touch me. No one to effect me.
I'm going insane. great! :(.
this is important. To me its important.
does anyone care? do I care to anyone? Do I really?
I feel like im walking alone on this. maybe i am alone. Always been.
I need to be alone...thats why northwestern will be good. I will dive back into myself like the old jenn was. mute jenn.
im lost angel. and i feel like i cant reach anything solid right now...because there is nothing or no one to hold onto.
I feel so utterly alone. These walls are engulfing me. sucking me into some abyss that I can never crawl out. Where is the Light? ugh these stupid tears. I HATE tears.
I havent been doing that well this month. It's been semi-okays. Hoping...Always hoping for that minute of happiness. Embracing it. Saving it in my memory.
I just finished cleaning my room. It was a mess. Maybe like me. Except I can't rearrange me. I'm proud of my room. Or so I was. But everything goes down hill. Everyone is in their own room...watching gosh knows who.
I dispise Tv. People's obsession with it. There's rarely anything good on anyhow. ugh im so jumpy. so snapish. I wish I could break all the tvs. Why arent we more united. Ugh television.
I'm so angry. So full of rage. I snapped right now with my parents. Its been happening more frequent. ugh i hate snapish people. Thats what i get for saving things inside. I explode. Ice cream tastes vile in my mouth. never been that great with ice cream. Poor anabelle had to deal with my mood.
I feel so alone. I feel like I have no one with me. My parents are in their own worlds right now. My friends are living their own lives. All I have is God and my angel. But, my petty pains are nothing like what others go through. God should not waste precious time consoling me...when there are others who need it more. And angel...you're here arent you. But, I need flesh and blood comfort. But, you are there with me.
I really hate being in this mood. Takes me back to 9th grade. Where anxiety, hurt, and pain incapacitated my body and soul. I just need time to think...to meditate. To talk to angel...to hope that my angel can calm me. I'm gonna light some candles.
I wish I was one with nature. But I'm not there yet.
Mother fire ease the rages. Mother air help me inhale the harmony. Mother light enlighten me body and soul. Mother water nourish me. Mother earth comfort my ailing heart.
God my heart is hurting. I feel like i'm recoiling back to who I use to be....someone so scared. so pained. so painfully shy. So mute. Words words. I must speak even if i speak to my brain. I dont want silence. I dont want to lose me.
Please God help me to find some happiness. I'll take but a second of it. I dont want to regret. To yearn for something i dont have. But to love what i do have. I know life is ups and downs. I dont want to be those who always find the ugly in life. Life is there God. Teach me to grab hold of it again.
please...I dont want darkness again.
Sometimes I wonder whats the point of trying to have friends. I can't reach them the way they want me too. I'm lousy at keeping in touch. And half the time I can't help give advise...when its obvious they just need me to listen.
But despite that, for some unknown reason to me...they keep reaching out for me...like I keep reaching out to them.
I just talked to a really close friend...a best friend...heck even a sista from another eggo. And I feel utterly useless. I know its her things to work with. But I'm her friend. I can't look the other way. I'm sorry I just can't.
I wish i could show her blue skies when all she sees is gray skies. I wish i could show her how prettty a rose looks without her seeing the thorns. But how do you make it look that simple. The answer is that it isnt that simple.
She thinks I don't understand...cause I've never felt that way. Never saw myself drowing...dying...rotting each and everyday...till the point where numbness is ur friend. As long as your numb your fine. But still battling deep down with that little voice that tells you that if you're not feeling...you're not living. You're absolutely wrong. We keep secrets till the grave you and I.
I felt it...had it... had that monster you call the A. But, people mistake it for shyness. ha. we wear a mask like a second skin.
But...I wont let it eat me away. It tried before. But, if I can't fight it. If i can't win my own demons ....than life isnt worth it. And its a shame...cause I have a great family. a smart brain. consciousness. principles. friends like you. And knowing that is a comfort cause i know that when im down...im not down alone. I've being pulled to the skies. All i need is to hold on. To reach out.
Is life that easy...NO! it isnt.
But its worth trying. That just it. IT's worth trying. Cause if someone who battles worse demons can fight for their life....why not me.
But believe what u believe. Take solace in what u can my dear friend. We all do. But know this..your not alone. You have a light that doesnt extinguish in the dark. I'm here as many others to tell you that you'll be ok...because u have us no matter the good and the bad that life brings you.
You're my friend. And i keep you close to my corazon! Never give up. Cause I wont give up on you. Id rather you hate me and be ok. than like me and not be ok. :)
Quotes:
There are only two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle.
Albert Einstein
For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin--real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.-- Alfred D. Souza
Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever...-- Isak Dinesen
So i'm doing much better than yesterday. Even though I lack sleep...cause sleeping on the couch bed...is no fun..I still feel much better today. My doggie Anabelle did this really cute thing at like 3am in the morning. She jumped up on the bed and gave me kisses on my cheek and snuggled against me. haha and than she fell asleep. so sweet. :) :)
so I finally left my home in days. It was surreal. lol. I went to the arc...and swam my lungs out. I really pushed hard today cause I wanted to test and see if my lungs were still working. And yes they are. I love swimming. When I have my own house...I'm gonna make sure it has an oIlympic pool. I'll be in paradise.
Surprisingly it felt good to be out and about. Even though the air is toxic right now. Hopefully tomorrow i'll head to borders where I'll keep writing on my novel. yes must get that going. But luckily, I had some ideas I was brainstorming while I was swimming...so yes im very oh so very content.
I just read yesterday's post...and wow boy was I off charts. lol.
But I'm doing much better. I feel I've arrived...I'm among the living.
wooot!
so I found one of my favorite quotes that seems to mirror what I've been going through:
God,
grant me the strength
to change that which
I need to change,
the patience to accept
that which I cannot change,
and above all,
the wisdom to know
the difference.
{prayer}yes angel grant me the patience and understanding to take my life one step at a time. To embrace the good and the bad. And to always remain faithful to myself, you and God.
I honestly think i'm not alive right now. Or maybe behind all these layers of skin...I'm a robot...and I never knew it.
I'm so out of the funk of things these days that I would not scratch off any possibilities.
Since I can't really come up with any exciting tadbits to disclose, I shall just take the mandane course and list things I've done today:
1. woke up with stiff joints because of sleeping on the floor. Why do you ask? Because of the fires the luna family has had to all sleep in the living room since we only have one fan and air purifer.
2. ate some scrambled eggs with beans that my parents seem adamant on feeding me. yes yes i know I'm such a weird hispanic. We've gotten over this.
3. Surfed the net checking on several programs, youtube videos, emails, etc. You know all the stuff I've been programmed to live without.
4. Worked on european trip video. So after a good 4hrs...I've been able to piece together all the clips and have made it to some semblance of a movie. So at this moment its being published on my computer. Next will be burning to disc and watch with familia.
So thats about it on actually doing things.
I'm so out of connection with everyone around me. I'm so snappish. So angry. So tired. So everything. I've been getting some major headaches that make me want to dive into a pool and not resurface.
What is wrong with me??
angel where are you?? Are you not here to guide me? I want your guidance...no I NEED your guidance.
I'm totally weird right now.
How you ask?
I just got online and Imed Ling and I totally couldnt stand a few minutes into the conversation. I'm so out of it.
ugh i swear with this rate...i'll alienate all my friends.
maybe itll be good for there to be space...since right now i'm a poor source of friendship right now.
deep breath jenn.
you'll be fine.
It's just the fire and smoke and restlessness that has you like this.
yes I can do it.
I CAN DO IT.
NOTHING BRINGS ME DOWN.
NO ONE and NOTHING HAS THE POWER TO BRING ME DOWN. ONLY I HAVE THAT POWER.
deep breath.
im ok.
i'm fine....
one step at a time.
slowly but surely I shall be.
[prayer]
dear angel and savior I ask that you keep all the world in peace and love. Let not our enemies whether they be made of flesh or not capture our spirit and free will.