do you ever wake up and realize that somethings just fade? What use to be beautiful and whole is now just a figment of its past glory.
I cant but wonder if maybe what was so whole was just a figment of my own mind. Like a dream within a dream. And nothin more.
I feel so different. So very much alone in my thoughts.
But, I've realized that I don't want to share them with anyone. What I use to crave: connection and sense of unity, I do not crave anymore. I don't want it anymore. If someone offered them to me right now, I would return them.
I've been blinding myself to the fact that I'm not okay. Yes I have my moments of happiness. But, I'm a wounded soul. But, even worse than my wounded soul...is the fact that I crave no solace.
The comfort of others use to help me, but now they just make me uncomfortable. It's as if I reject their solace. I have no need in them. Because if we are to lay the cards down. No one really understands a person fully. God yes. But another human being no. I think that we can try to understand the big picture. But, we don't no the full depth. We'd have to strip that person raw. If even than.
finally! We are done with painting and repairing. woooo. (deep breath of relaxation). All day we we're finishing up. Had to take an early break to go to my doctors appt. than i came back and once again we continued. honestly i've only had 30 min breaks on and off. i checked email, aim, msn, etc. than back to work. carpet cleaning is gruesome. poor peope who do it for a living. (bless ur souls)
i feel so bad. Cynthia called me yesterday. I couldn't talk to her cause I was painting at that moment. And today has been a non-stop event. But, atlast i'll call her tomorr and say a big "sorry".
tomorr is borders day. my freeeddddom day! weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
so right now i just finished messing with some nail polish and started making some designs on my nails. haha I got inspired by a tutorial i saw on youtube. i <3 youtube.
gosh it feels good to be done and over work. my back hurts but i feel accomplished.
btw...i joined twitter. I never knew it would happen. I don't really use it. just to see the updates once and a while. i totally forget i have it.
still haven't found a bike. i bet i'll fall next time I ride one. lol.
i'm craving some good old ramen.
oh my.
so we've been painting the garage. So much work. But it's nice to push yourself to accomplish something that at the end of the day you'll be like "WOW...I did that".
This project has taken most of my time for the past 4 days. My body is sore and tired. But content. It's strange. I don't feel this overwhelming sense of lost within me.
I feel fine. sort of free. It feels good.
haha typing hurts right now. lol. my shoulders are so stiff. its wonderful. haha I even think stiff shoulders are wonderful. oh my! :)
tomor i have a doctors appt. that should be quick. Tuesday....I am going to borders, where I will sip some good ol' ice tea and a chocolate toffee cookie.
i feel good...better than I have in months. lol.
{prayer}
Dear Lord and angel I want to thank you for bringing a sense of peace over me. I am eternally grateful.
I made something. lol. I got some cloth from avni like a week and a half ago. I started to make a half moon. I cut it out... sewed it. And stuff it. Than i cut out 4 stars...tiny, small, medium and large. Than sewed those. lol. Than I got some old costume jewelry and sewed on beads around the moon. Than I sewed on my name. I finished it today. I was deeply proud of it. Even though its not professional...or anything like that. It's something I made.
I been really exercising my creativity for a while. I'm drawing more and sewing more. I've been kind of up and down for a while. I think its taking on so many things both legal and personal. I'm literally doing the handiwork for my mom and dad. I love it. But sometimes its alot to think of. To know that you have the potential to improve or destroy your parents' lives.
And also with all my friends. It's like not being able to cross that bridge with them. I adore...to the point of LOVE them all. They're amazing and brilliant people. But, its crossing that bridge. Maybe i shouldnt force it. Maybe thats it. It's forcing things on them. The entire problem is with me. It's my emotional riff. Only my fault for not crossing that bridge. must try harder in the future.
I know i'll miss my family and friends when i go to northwestern. I think my heart will be sore when i see those mounts of snow...and the sign: Northwestern. But, well life goes on. And i know they'll be there always...even if its just in my heart.
well I just e-signed my housing contract for engelhart at northwestern. Can you believe it...I'm going to be in chicago in 2 months 7 days. esh! haha i'm both excited and nervous. :) :(.
I seem to be completely lost from my friends. I rarely talk to them. not on phone nor aim. The only person whose really reached out recently is monica. I should call her so we can go eat at hop li's or something. It'll be nice to be with someone other than my parents and anabelle (puppy).
Part of me does want to be the only one reaching out to my friends. Cause if its obviously not bothering them that we're not connecting or talking as we use to...than maybe its all in my head. Which is likely. But still... I'd wish I'd get an aim from avni or ling or vennie saying hey. Even if im not on...just to say hello. Cause the funny thing is that I go online and i check to see my offline messages...and zilch nada. sad. and I've like signed online even on visible mode and nada. I'm so whinny. lol. its crazy to be thinkin this way.
I think its cause ever since I was small I'd see the movies or read those books where there was best friends or a group of best friends where they would do everything together, having best friend charms, talk to each other online even when they couldnt hang.
But its childish and idealistic to want that...to compare my friendships with those ideals. Everyone has their lives to live. and i totally understand and encourage that. But its nice to know that once and a while...people remember u. Even when u've been acting so weird and crazy like I have been these weeks.
Sometimes I feel so invisible. I'm sure other people feel the same way. Most of the time, I love to be invisible..but other times my emotions kick in and I long for some closeness from family and friends. tsk tsk...and there was I thinking I was so strong. tsk tsk.
eh at last. Life is life. Beautiful, and tragic in all its complexities.
So I'm in borders right now. My one day of just freedom from all issues. I love their ice tea here... plus u cant beat their 50 cent refills. yummy!
I must go about exercising my freedom before reality kicks in.
(prayer)
Dear lord and angel, I ask that you give me the wisdom to know when to let go.
why is it that I feel so anti social about most everything. I feel like I getting back to the way I use to be in middle school. Shying away like usual. ugh.
And the weird thing is that I know I should be social...but when I'm doing something social...I can only keep the momentum for so much...and than I crash.
Whats up with me??? I know i'll never be a social butterfly...but come on. I use to make jokes....be full of life. But now i'm like all serious.
I've always been a serious person...comes from being an only child, having adults as friends. Also the fact that I never really got to be a kid. I always had to grow up...be responsible, etc. For that I'm happy. I look at some of my generation...and it hurts that they truly don't care about anything but themselves. It's always me, me, me. I couldnt think that way. But, the down bit of being beyond my years that its hard to adapt to others my age who have a more lighter view of things.
Do you know when I feel completely content...where I am able to brush off these complexities...is when I'm reading a book, drawing or watching a movie with my parents and my dog Annabelle.
I really need to get that book "tuesdays with morrie". It was a lifeline for me when I was in middle school. I realize how much impact the wise words of Morrie brought to my life. I need to get a copy asap.
I want to be happy. To be deliriously happy to the point of ecstasy.
Dear Lord and angel give me the wisdom to find light beyond the dark tunnel.
So i went to irvine to crash at ling and avni's apt.
We walked to campus. where I bought myself two books (50 cents each) wee! We keep shopping about...but atlast nothing much. We split up...cause the girls had class and I had to get my old checks reissued. However, turns out that I had to email someone first so they can reissue. blah.
I than went to ling's class. Mazumdar. pretty good class. I forget that mazumdar has a soft storytelling voice. I finally got the title of the book i read in middle school. "Tuesdays with Morey". I can really understand the theme of time, death, age in that book. I plan to go to barnes and noble and get me a copy.
Anyhow...Ling and I went to starbucks so she could get a hazelnut ice coffee. bad choice. lol. that was gross. i dislike coffee. We than went off to buy some munchies at the zotgrocery. I got a cup of noddles. yum!
We headed off to wait in front of ling's last class. amy came. we all went inside. the professor was funny..in a quirky kind of way. the class was really long. at least it felt that way. but it was good. I was bored so i began drawing a little chick thatd id see on the power point. they're so cute.
So after class, we went to the little japanese store...that has these awesome chopsticks and other awesome stuff. haha i couldnt resist..so i bought myself some chopsticks with a pretty little design on them.
We finally drove to albertsons to get some smokey the bears. oh my. haha. than back to the apt. We walked through that little trail behind ambrose and headed to the park. cranked a jig. chatted a bit. rushed back to meet up with avni.
All three of us headed to south coast to look for cynthia's gift. we randomly went in to Sanrio. ugh hello kitty. i have no comment. anyhow...we decided on a pink pig...cause it reminded me of cynthia's fav anime pig. We than headed off to claires. They had an awesome sale. it was freaking awesome. I bought some gifts for cynthia and for me. all for 17 bucks. yuppy!
We made a last trip to 99cent store. and oMg this place was big and amazing. It has everything. I was like a little girl in a candy shop. At the end I bought 5-pc bag clips, 3pk ice cube makers, 12 mechanical pencils pack, 4 jellyroll pens, 3pk gift boxes, and some other stuff.
Atlast we got back to the apt..where we made some food and began wrapping the gifts. good times.
Finally Saturday came. Cynthia came and we like literally jumped on her. haha. We gave her our gifts. She loved loved the pig. haha i figured. And the little gifts i gave her. I'm happy she liked them! :) We took pictures like it was going out of style. poor piggy...it must have flown in the air so many times. lol. We tried to be all mysterious as to where we we're gonna take her for lunch. muahaha. Lunch was korean bbq at Cham Sut Gol. There was a little grill in the center of our table. We got all these side dishes, salad, and raw meat cuts. We began cooking our food. We only had one little incident of a spark. haha. but it was so delicious. The spicy tofu soup was so good. And the meat. omg i havent had so much meat in my life. no joke. After taking a bathroom break..we all felt slightly better. haha but that didnt keep us from getting icecream on our way out of the place. I love the green tea and chocolate combo. yummy.
We than headed to a park that has a gazebo and a waterfront. very beautiful. we took a nice stroll around the whole thing...stopping to take photos and relax on the bench and grass.
haha cynthia was craving an icecream cake. lol. ive only had it once in my life. its good. but than again...im not the biggest cake craver. But we finally looked for a baskin robins. Where we got an cookies and cream cake. Went to redbox and rented Girlfriend's past. the movie was awesome..surprisingly interesting. The cake was delicous. I had like two servings. so good. haha and being me i had my cake with red hot fritos. yummmy.
anyhow after the movie i called my parents. told them that i learned to ride a bike on frid. haha i still have bruises. Hearing them made me nostalgic.
I kind of crashed down after the movie. We we'rent doing much at that point. I began to draw when im feeling in the mood. Avni was on her computer. Ling and Cynthia were talking. I just couldnt get into the mood. So i gave myself to the drawing. They tried to get me to join in...even tickling me i think. but when im in that stage it doesnt get to me. I could tell that they were getting worried...wondering why i was like that.
I couldnt explain it even i could figure whats wrong with me. I think my happy stage is only good for a 12 hr stage. I felt bad cause I hate when my mood brings down the party. I just couldnt snap out of it. I felt nostalgic. Tired. Out of everything. Like a clock who has the capacity...but cant find a way to synch itself.
I was really tempted to go with cynthia cause she could drive me back home. but i decided not too. I felt in the margin of all things. Cynthia, ling and avni were making plans to sleepover, cook, hangout. And I felt so away. So gone.
My mood was distant and gone. I went to sleep early. Woke up just ready to go home. I said goodbye to avni. Than ling. and waited for my parents outside of the apt. They finally came. And I like broke down crying. which is weird for me. so they were quiet. anyhow i got over it. And we just talked about stuff. We finally went to sizzler to celebrate my scholarship award.
I don't know whats wrong with me. I just know that I'm gonna miss my parents, friends, etc when I go to Northwestern. I feel like when I leave they will be ok without me. They won't need me anymore. And I'm partially happy cause I want them to be happy. But in another way I feel like whatever standing I have with them I wont have it anymore. I'll become secondary to them.
I guess thats what i feel with Ling and Avni and my other friends. I never really talk to annie or vennie. Nor do they reach out to me as much. Joanna is busy with her own busy life. Monica is too. Ling and Avni have classes. It'll be good that cynthia will be hanging out with them more. She'll be there for them. She's an amazing person to begin with. I really do wish every single one of my friends the best of this world. And i know theyll have it. Cause i
I'm hoping these months go smoother... sigh.
Today was a beautiful day. After a night of sadness, doubt, loneliness and tears. I am better now.
Sometimes the best thing is to communicate with those you love. To let them in and see your sorrow and let them show you how you can heal.
Maybe happiness isn't eternal in the sense of duration...but in embracing the brief moments where we are dancing in the glorious light of its effects, and holding them in our hearts.
I realized that no matter where I am in life, I am never alone. I have myself and God for spiritual support. My family for strength. And my friends for the gift of friendship.
Life is ups and downs. Times where we won't know how to go about getting to that other end point. But, the object is not to worry so much about the endpoint, but rather the journey we do. Because its there that we discover places, experiences, others, and ultimately ourselves.
So here's to the journey of life.
(prayer)
Dear Lord and angel...I ask that you pray for all of us. Walk besides us as we partake in this journey called Life.
Sometimes I feel so alone, like a flick of light within a black tunnel.
The realization burns the rim of the eyes, sheds guarded tears and amputates the soul.
I feel so endlessly alone, as if I'm at the margins of living. faces of laughter dance before me...like untangible fairies.
Sometimes I wonder if its just better to be completely alone...the pain is less, the heartbreak is less.
I feel myself being mentally, physically and spiritually pulled away from my parents, my friends, and everyone.
I wonder if I've changed? Have I?
My soul aches with unhealed pain...its like from the speech in "Scent of a Woman"...there is no prosthetic for an amputated soul.
I'm in that crossroad...where if no one or anything solid reaches out to say I'm here...you're not alone. Than I shall go into a shell and never let anyone in.
I'm scared.
haha and the ironic or funny thing (which ever you decide) is that no one even notices or even cares enough to no that i feel so alone.
You're probably wondering how i can feel so alone...but it isnt quantity...but quality that displays whether your alone or not.
There is beauty and life outside my window...but I feel like that hunchback on the tower...that is always the spectator...always deeply alone.
Maybe thats why I'm so independent. And don't get me wrong I love being independent...but my emotions get me sometimes.
Things have changed. I tend to be in conflict more often with my parents...especially my dad. I can't seem to connect with my friends.
I'm wishing more and more for Northwestern.
Have you ever gone into a pool and watched the sky as you floated. It's a beautiful thing. It's in those moments that I am so completely vulnerable and unguarded.
I use to remember that I rarely shed tears..but recently the seem to flow like wine. My head hurts from crying. I should make tea.
I could shut myself right now...and never connect with anyone. It's in my nature to do so. Maybe I shouldn't try to avoid nature.
Is anyone out there...Help me. Reach out to me. please...
There's no use jenn...you we're born in this world alone..invisible by nature and you shall remain so. Its better to just crawl right back into my shell. accept my fate...except this time I shall go resigning.
I don't know why i tend to be so honest on this blog...maybe its the knowledge that no one reads an insignificant blog of a wilted girl.
-prayer-
I ask you Lord and angel that you never let people forget the importance of closeness, of connection. Because sometimes it helps us in dire times.
Have you ever come to some moment in your life, where you discover how truly strong-willed you are?
Everyone focuses on the big acts of heroic will...you know the kind that save people from incurable diseases, drove a global campaign for the conservation of energy or received a nobel prize. But, we forget the small little accomplishments we do each and everyday. We don't see them for what they truly are. Little works of mastery that enables us to reach that pivotal moment of self-actualization.
So much has happened this week. First the scholarship video, now personal issues. They seem like small ordinary things. But, I know now that they're not just that. They motivated me, inspired me, cultivated me into knowing a bit more of myself. And even though I have still ways to go with those things, I am comforted in the fact that I can be bold--I can be strong.
There is nothing like having faith in yourself. I truly believe that you have to learn gradually to have faith in yourself before you can truly put your faith in others or things.
So on this little post I say Salute to everyone who has had that moment where despite hardships, we discover that we have always had the power all along to rise from the ashes. A power that burns bright in our heart, body and soul.
So SALUTE!
[prayer]
Dear angel and Lord,
I ask that you take care of my family, friends and the world. Fill our hearts with love, compassion, understanding, and respect. Do not let us lose the faith in ourselves and each other.
Amen.